What's happening to me...

I got low grades in our examinations. I didn't review my notebooks. I focused on our school activities and my personal wants. I don't like my subjects. It doesn't fit my abilities and talent. But I've chosen this. I want o finish this 'cause I want to show thm that I can do it. I know I can...

Heartbreak...

Last friday, I saw my not-so-cute classmate again. There's something on him that I like. The way he look at me or the way he speaks. But this time, it's different. He invited me to seat beside him. But he said "It's only a joke! Forget it." I can't understand what he meant. Then I just sat on the table behind him. Minutes ran, and I'm looking and listening to him (chatting with his friends) until he caught me looking at him. He stopped talking and faced his body to me. His face looked teasing me. He may be knew that I'm gay and I wanted guys. He bit his lips like he was thinking "I know you want me." I never thought he would do that to me. I just looked in my table like I've never noticed him. Like it was just an accidental eye-contact. But it really hurted me.

Memories...

Everytime I remember him, I seemed to see him everywhere. I don't know what to do if I see him. Shall I greet him or just pretend I don't see him. I'm also afraid for his reaction if he sees me. I just can't forget him.

Being gay is the saddest part of my life

I never thought I would be this lonely since I realized that I can't have a male partner for the rest of my life. I've watched gay films that show what gay life would be like. Although I'm closeted, many people noticed that I don't act like a straight guy and I want to disprove that. But it's no easy 'coz I'm really what their thinking of. I feel so ashamed of my self every time they make me feel that I'm different. I feel very sad everytime I see handsome guys because I wished to have that face too so I can find another guy that will love me. Though I don't really see people through their physical appearance ('Coz my first love is not that handsome), it's just a normal feeling of insecurity.

I'm one of the famous students in our school. They see me as an intelligent and talented person. (I know some of them has a hint of my sexuality) But I'm afraid that if they learned about my secret, it will ruin the name of our family (especially, most people respect our family for having a good background). I just thought to myself that I shouldn't have been born gay.